Break Free from Approval: How to Build Internal Validation and Self-Worth

 

Instead of External Validation, Seek Internal Validation

Let me open with a small compassionate and affectionate note for the suffering, pained souls. While living a busy life we often lose touch with the people who began the journey together with us. Are they with us or are they trapped in the net of seeking approval from the environment. Once you start living for its approval you become a slave to the intangible approval which makes yout life hell and occasional burnouts and breakdowns are ensued leading to inflicting a permanent damage to self.

If you’re someone feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, or thinking of harming yourself, please reach out to someone right now — a trusted friend or family member, local emergency services, or a mental-health professional. If you’re in India, there are organizations and local helplines that can help; if you're elsewhere, contact your local crisis line. You don’t have to carry this alone.

Lets explore how we became like this and who is responsible?

How we were conditioned to seek external approval

From the moment we learn to speak, the choreography of our lives includes applause, correction, and comparison.

• Childhood: “Be a good boy/girl” becomes shorthand for: follow rules, please elders, don’t make waves. Our early survival depended on caregivers’ approval, so we learned to equate love with obedience.
• Schools and exams: Grades, ranking, academic praise train us to measure worth with scores and accolades.
• Family and community: Neighbors, relatives, caste/class expectations, wedding culture — all amplify templates of “successful” behavior.
• Media and social media: Filters and highlight reels make external praise visible and addictive.
• Workplaces: Performance reviews, promotions, likes and metrics replace inner signals with external metrics.

Over time that externalized standard becomes the template we try to squeeze ourselves into — and when we don’t fit, the stress, shame, and sense of failure pile up.

Why this leads to burnout, fragility, and “zombie” living

Trying to fit a template that wasn't built for you creates three common outcomes:

• Burnout: Chronic trying, over-performance, and emotional exhaustion because your energy is spent meeting others’ measurements rather than nourishing your own values.
• Fragility: When self-worth rests on applause, a small critique feels like annihilation. Some people become extremely vulnerable, and tragically some reach crisis points.
• Zombie life: Others numb out — “play it safe” forever, suppress authenticity, and survive rather than live. They look functional but feel hollow.

External validation is noisy and unreliable. Markets, bosses, parents, and algorithms change. Internal validation is what steadies you when the world recalibrates.

What is internal validation?

Internal validation is the practice of recognizing, accepting, and responding to your own feelings, needs, values, and achievements — independently of external applause.

Key features:

• You notice and name your feelings.
• You give yourself credit where it’s due.
• You judge your choices by your internal compass (values, meaning), not only by external metrics.
• You tolerate imperfection because worth is not conditional on performance.

Think of internal validation as building a lighthouse inside: it helps you navigate stormy seas when other lights go out.

Why internal validation matters (importance)

• Emotional resilience: When your sense of worth comes from inside, criticism hurts less and feedback becomes information, not identity.
• Freedom to choose: You make decisions aligned with your values rather than chasing someone else’s checklist.
• Sustainable motivation: Intrinsic motivation (doing something because it matters to you) outlasts reward-chasing.
• Better relationships: People who are self-validated need less constant reassurance and can receive love without clinging.
• Reduced mental-health risk: While not a cure-all, internal validation lowers chronic shame, anxiety, and the addictive chase for external fixes.

How to love, value, and respect yourself — practical guide

These are concrete, not fluffy.

1. Define your non-negotiables (values): Identify 5 values that matter (e.g., honesty, curiosity, kindness, autonomy, craft). Use them as a measuring stick for decisions.
2. Separate behavior from worth: “I made a mistake” ≠ “I am a failure.” Practice this language shift daily.
3. Celebrate micro-wins: Write down small things you did well each day (finished a task, held a boundary, showed up). This trains your brain to notice your competence.
4. Set boundaries: Saying no is communicating that your time and needs matter. Boundaries teach others how to treat you.
5. Affirmation + evidence method: Say “I am enough” AND list three concrete moments that show it today.
6. Self-care as priority, not reward: Treat sleep, food, movement, and downtime as core needs, not luxuries earned after work.
7. Curiosity over judgment: When you fail, ask “What can I learn?” not “What’s wrong with me?”
8. Regular solitude: Time alone helps you hear your internal voice without external noise.

Wading through negative connotations and stigma

Many cultures treat self-focus as selfish. Here’s how to reframe and navigate:

• Reframe “selfish” to “self-responsible”: If you care for yourself, you have more to give others.
• Language matters: Replace “I deserve” with “I need” or “It’s necessary for me to…”
• Start small publicly: When friends call you selfish for setting limits, respond with a factual sentence: “I value my health. I can’t say yes to this.” No apology needed.
• Work with allies: Find one person who supports your boundary experiments and share progress. That's important.
• Cultural humility: Honour your context — you can build internal validation while still respecting family/community by communicating transparently about needs rather than rebelling loudly.

Step-by-step plan to cultivate internal validation (12-week roadmap)

Week 1–2: Awareness

• Keep a “validation diary” for two weeks. Record times you sought praise/approval and how you felt after.
• Each night, write one thing you did that you value — no external credit allowed.

Week 3–4: Values and language

• List your top 5 values. For each, write one recent action that aligns with it.
• Practice rephrasing: change “I should” → “I choose” or “I prefer.”

Week 5–6: Boundary experiments

• Pick one low-risk boundary to test (e.g., decline an extra task, avoid a gossip).
• Journal the outcome and your emotions.

Week 7–8: Self-compassion training

• Learn and practice short self-compassion phrases: “This is hard, and I’m trying.” Use them when stressed.
• Begin a 5-minute daily guided breathing or grounding routine.

Week 9–10: Internal praise habit

• Each morning, say out loud: one skill you bring, one value you’ll honor, one boundary you’ll maintain.
• Each evening, list three wins and why they matter to you.

Week 11–12: Integration + maintenance

• Review diary: note improvements. Choose two practices to continue: journaling, boundary checks, or micro-celebrations.
• Create a one-page “internal validation plan” to revisit monthly.

Repeat cycles — growth is iterative.

Exercises you can do today

1. Validation Pause (2 minutes)
   When you complete something — even small — pause and say out loud: “I noticed I did X. That took skill/attention/compassion.”

2. The Witness Journal (10 minutes nightly)
   Write for 10 minutes: describe one thing you did well, one difficulty, and one thing you learned. No judgment — just witness.

3. Values Check (5 minutes)
   Rate how much today’s major decisions aligned with your top 3 values (0–10). If score <7, ask what to shift tomorrow.

4. Boundary One-liner Practice
   Script and say a short, firm sentence you can use: “I can’t take that on right now.” Practice in front of a mirror.

5. Self-Compassion Letter (20–30 minutes)
   Write a short letter from the perspective of a wise friend to yourself about a recent failure. Read it aloud.

6. Micro-affirmation Sticky Notes
   Place 3 notes where you’ll see them with concrete affirmations: “I am learning,” “I am enough today,” “My worth is not conditional.”

7. Satiation Check (weekly)
   Every Sunday, pick one activity that refuels you and schedule it — defend that slot as sacred.

Common obstacles and how to handle them

• “But they’ll judge me.” Expect it. Start with small changes — most judgments are temporary; your inner peace is lasting.
• Unhelpful perfectionism. Reframe to “progress over polish.” Set time limits for tasks.
• Relapse into people-pleasing. Use a buddy system: tell one friend you’ll need a reminder when you slip.
• Feeling lonely after change. Join groups with similar values (creative classes, volunteer groups, therapy groups).

When to seek professional help

If you notice prolonged sadness, helplessness, suicidal thoughts, or inability to function, reach out to a mental-health professional. Internal validation practices help, but they’re not a substitute for therapy when deeper wounds (trauma, depression, anxiety disorders) are present.

Grand conclusion

You were not made to be a one-size-fits-all product of other people’s expectations. External praise is a currency that will flow in and out; internal validation is your permanent account. Building it is a practice — small, repeated, and brave. It asks you to notice yourself, to name yourself kindly, to set guardrails, and to choose meaning over applause.

Begin with tiny acts: notice one thing you did today, say one kind sentence to yourself, and defend one small boundary. Over months, these tiny acts compound into a steadier you — less fragile, less performative, more honest. That steadiness is not arrogance; it is freedom.

You don’t have to throw away the love of others. You only need to stop renting your self-worth from them. Start paying yourself the rent.

If you think, "How can I change the way I have been living all these years?" Consider your top priority as yourself and do as the successful people always did, fake it till you make it"

All the best

Thank you for reading.

– KV Shan